Dad as Connector – Part 1

1st of a 2-part series of how Dads can connect their sons  and daughters to themselves and other men and women.

Previously I wrote a series of “Dad as…” blog posts.  (see the DadPad archives to read them).  They were Dad as Coach, Counselor and Consultant.  Here’s another—Dad as Connector.

Outdoor activities like hunting, fishing and camping are not at the top of my “bucket list” activities.  That is, I didn’t do them much growing up, have dabbled a little in each of them over the years, didn’t spend a lot of time engaged in them with my son and don’t plan on making them lifelong chases.  It’s all rather unfortunate, really.  They are GREAT activities for connecting sons and fathers at a deep level.  I can almost definitively say without any hesitation that where a son and his father have connected in those kinds of pursuits, there is a deep bonding between them.

During the 16th year of my son, Bryan’s, life, we did something that was special and it included camping and some fishing.  A group of 5 dads and their sons concluded a year long small group study using PromiseKeeper’s Passages material with a celebratory trip to the Boundary Waters of northern Minnesota.  It was a memorable trip for a number of reasons.

First, we were out in the outdoors together.  Laughing, hiking, fishing, canoeing, tenting and so on.  Then, I had written a 4 page letter to my son to share some real intimate, personal thoughts that I had of him to encourage him.  I told him how proud I was of the young man he was becoming and of my continual prayer for the man of God I envisioned and prayed for him to grow into.  I read–Bryan paddled (no motorized water equipment is allowed within the Boundary Waters Canoe area).  Anyone who understands physics and weight distribution challenges in a small canoe can imagine what happened next.  Trouble ensued as I read and my much lighter son paddled into a stiff wind and waves.  I had plenty of time to read my mini-novel to him because it was apparent we weren’t going to get to any destination quickly.

Many memories of the weekend linger but the one that remains etched vividly is what we did the last night together.  We lit a fire in the pit.  Then, one at a time each dad stood over his seated son, laid his hands on his son’s shoulder and prayed for him.  Additionally, the group of dads prayed collectively over the 5 young men.  The dads verbally committed to pray for their son as well as for the others in the group.

I think of those men and their sons often.  This summer one of the men of the group got married and Bryan was in the wedding party.  I love each of the fathers like they were brothers.  It was a special year…a special group.  Those men took the time to speak into my sons life and I know they are words that still resonate within him today.

Though that weekend did not turn me into an “outdoorsman”, I connected with my son.  We have other interests and things we do together and though I do wish that we had more of those kind of experiences we’ve connected in other ways.  We have shared interests in football and other sports, spiritual conversations about growing in our walk with the Lord and even some more personal intimate accountability discussions.  Laying the foundation of connecting has helped us to stay connected through the years and, I pray, even after he embarks on his life post college and singleness.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:  How do you connect with your son or daughter?  What ways have you found to use both your interests and purposely finding out what they are interested in to deepen your relationship?  Make a decision to start engaging them in activities that will bring them into your world and bring you into their world!  You’ll never regret it.

The Allure of Beauty

The allure of a beauty. It’s driven men since Adam. And it’s driven women, too. In Esther’s time, a girl would undergo twelve months of beauty treatment before being presented to the king (Esther 2:12). That’s a lot of investment. Today, the model of beauty can be achieved in minutes. Except, it isn’t real.

A few years ago, the folks at Unilever, the makers of DOVE personal cleansing products, launched the DOVE Self-Esteem Fund in partnership with the Girl Scouts to raise self-esteem in girls ages 8 to 14. Below is one of a series of videos aimed at reminding young women that today’s popular images of beauty are not what they appear to be.

Take a look and use it as a discussion starter with your daughters. Remind them that the best image of beauty is their reflection of God’s delight through them.

Following the initial publication of this post, the referenced YouTube video has been removed. You can find the referenced video by clicking on the “videos” link provided above and selecting the video “Evolution”. Unfortunately, there is no way to link directly to that video or embed it into this post without, apparently, violating acceptable use by Unilever Corporation.

What are some of the other ways you see beauty distorted today?

The Subordination of Terra Firma Man

A confession: I’m terrified of heights. Seriously terrified.

On a ladder, I’m good until about the fourth rung. That’s when my knees start to weaken and my mind is filled with thoughts of tumbling backward and landing on my head. My kids think it’s funny. They like to poke fun at me about it. Vacationing at the Grand Canyon a few years ago gave them ample opportunity. The view for me was enjoyed a comfortable ten yards from any rail, lest I might uncontrollably launch myself into that great American abyss.

I don’t know what trauma gave birth to my acrophobia. Perhaps it was long ago when I was power-washing the cedar shakes on our roof to rid them of the oak saplings that had taken shallow root there. Slipping on a wetted tile, I nearly slid off the roof, clutching a corner of the house at the last moment to avoid a fifteen foot plummet. Or maybe I blocked some childhood trauma of being dropped on my head. Regardless, there’s no doubting it. I’m a Terra Firma Man. I prefer both feet solidly planted on the ground as God intended.

But Terra Firma Man met his match last week. Vacationing at Lake Tahoe provides a lot of exciting activities: hiking, biking, jet skiing, swimming and, gulp, parasailing. Nope! There’s no way you’d get me up there tethered to a rope 450 feet above water held in suspension by lawn chair straps. No way.

Joshua with yours truly, Terra Firma Man

No way, that is, until my boys started to work on me. That’s when I learned that parasailing was on Joshua’s “bucket list”—you know, like in the movie, the things you must do before you kick the bucket. As a 17-year old, I explained, that he had more time to do his list than I had to do mine, and parasailing wasn’t anywhere to be found on my bucket list. It was impeccable logic.  It was settled. I would remain grounded.

Until…something inside me spoke up. Something about creating memories that my boys will cherish. Something about loving them uncomfortably. Something said, “Yes. I’ll do it.” Once the words were out, there was no turning back. When Jonathan, my 15-year old also wanted to go, I said, “Sure. All three of us can go up together in tandem.” It wasn’t until the boat was underway that I discovered we would exceed their weight limit for a three person tandem. That’s when our “helpful” captain suggested that I could take turns going up with each of the boys separately. Terra Firma Man was a goner.

How was the experience? It was both exhilarating and terrifying. Yet, it was also highly (sorry) bonding. Viewing a sunset on Lake Tahoe from a parasail is spectacular. Viewing it with your child, and showing them you’re there because you love them, is priceless.

Yes, Terra Firma Man met his match. He loves his kids more than the ground beneath his feet. And for a time, that sent him soaring.

What uncomfortable ways have you found to tell your kids you love them?

Dating Dads

No, this is not a blog article condoning dads to date outside of marriage.  Rather, it’s one to encourage dads to date their kids.

I first heard of this concept about 15 years ago when my children were 7, 5, and 3.  Bob Lepine and Dennis Rainey discussed this as something that every dad should do with their children.  I never went on a “date” with either of my parents so this was a foreign idea to me.  Now, I’ve not been great at doing this on a regular basis but I have made it a habit to intentionally take each of my children out individually to do things that they enjoy.

To make it easier for me I set up a system to date each of the kids monthly on the date of their birthday.  For instance, one of my daughters birthday is January 3.  So, I picked out the 3rd of every month as our “date night”.  Realistically, I have not ever been consistent with making that day for each of the kids every month.  But, it did cause me to try to get time with them each month as close to that date as possible.  I might miss a month or two but it was on my calendar and in front of me regularly.

Sometimes we would go out to dinner (this was/is the most common date event).  We’ve been bowling, putt-putt golfing, walking, riding in the car, breakfast, coffee house times, etc.  The key is not the “what” but the fact that I make time to be with them.  During our “date” times, I simply try to engage them in discussions that may not always come up in everyday discussions.  I might press into their friendships, guy/girl relationships, spiritual activity or questions, frustrations they might be going through at home, school or with friends or any other number of things that are on their mind.  Specifically, I really try to listen.  I’m not very good at just listening without offering “dadsdom (wisdom from dad)”.  But I do try.  Sometimes, we don’t talk about anything of real importance.  We end up just hangin out together.  That’s fun too.

Spending time with your children individually is one of those investments in life that will NEVER come back void.  It communicates your love to them and that you value them as individuals.  If you’ve never consistently set up times to “date” your children, it’s not too late.  In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve dated my children so I’m going to do the same.  Put a time on your calendar and surprise them with a nice evening at their favorite restaurant or doing their favorite activity.  Call them on the phone or send them an invitation.  Make it fun and they’ll not only appreciate it but they will remember it the rest of their lives!

SHARE:  What ways have you made an effort to “date” your children regularly?  What’s worked?  What benefits have you experieced by spending quality time with your children?

Celebrating Rites of Passage with Your Children

We live in one of the greatest countries this world has ever known. But, one thing we don’t really do well is celebrate the passage of our children into key stages of their growing up. Many other cultures celebrate the passing of a child into puberty and then into adulthood (typically around the ages of 13 and 16 respectively). Graduations and Weddings we get. However, many of life’s greatest lessons happen long before these celebratory events. Subsequently, we’ve left much of the indoctrination or teaching of the major issues that our children are facing to the education systems. They need to hear about and learn them from mom and dad.

Though I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest “celebrator”, I learned about the importance of having these rites of passage with my children, especially my son. Through friends, FamilyLifeand PromiseKeeper’s, I was encouraged in how to help prepare my son for manhood and launch him into the awkward stages of puberty and high school.

When Bryan turned 13 we took a weekend to get away and talk about some very relevant and important topics, dating, peer pressure and sex. I knew he was aware of these things. But, I didn’t want this culture to be his teacher in these critical areas of life. I wanted him to hear that there were traps in each of these areas and he needed a game plan to navigate around them. FamilyLife has developed a great tool for this that I used to help plan a weekend to discuss these with him specifically. It’s called Passport 2 Purity and was my compass for the weekend.  I decided to book a hotel room across town and set up a golf outing around our discussion time.  We finished our weekend event around a steak dinner. There I presented him with a pocket knife, engraved with his name, the date of our celebration and my signature.

My wife did the same thing with our two daughters when they were a little younger (of course she didn’t play golf or give them pocket knives—spa and shopping were the order of the day for the ladies and purity rings for the girls ). Ideally it’s done when they are 11 or 12 depending on the maturity of the child to handle these sensitive topics. We still refer to our “passport” weekend to bolster discussions about peer pressure (“bad company corrupts good morals”) and/or dating/sex issues . It was an event we’ll never forget and I believe it has helped and continues to help our children navigate these treacherous waters.

A few years later, I joined with four other dads and we began a yearlong bible study with our sons. The study was called Passages (from PromiseKeeper’s) and it guided us to have interesting and event filled studies with our sons about relevant issues they face as young men (e.g., pornography, dating, sex, choosing friends, being men of integrity, memorizing scripture, and becoming followers of Christ). We played games, ate food and shared what the Bible had to say about these topics and how we could apply them to our lives. It was a tremendous time of bonding for us as fathers with our sons and as a group of men and sons.

We celebrated the yearlong study with a camping event to the Boundary Waters, a very beautiful and rustic area of northern Minnesota. There we camped, fished, ate, and did other “guy things”. I wrote a four page letter to my son that I read to him while he rowed us out on the lake in a canoe. It was a touching time and one I still remember as if it were yesterday.  Here are some photos from the event:

Finally, the night before we went home, each dad “knighted” his son. Each son sat in a chair in front of the other boys and fathers while his dad told him how much he loved him and how proud he was of him. The father concluded by praying a blessing over his son. Then, all of the fathers gathered around the group of young men and prayed collectively over them.

Again, it was a very moving time.

One of the dads in the group had a brother who was a graphic designer. He made up a framed portrait that had a scale model miniature swords, each of the sons and fathers name pairs and the verse, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” (1 Cor 16:13)

Well, that’s been our experience in celebrating our children’s passage into adulthood.  We have many celebrations still to come; high school graduation for our youngest, college graduation, weddings, births of our grandchildren, et al.  Yet, I believe that maybe one of the most significant ones we have celebrated might just be their passage into these critically influential years from adolescence to puberty and into young adults.

SOUND OFF:  What rituals, rites of passage or celebrations have you experienced with your children that you know made a significant impact on their lives in preparing them to be mature men and women??

“Yes, you can.”

I love to give permission for my kids to do things they enjoy, particularly in the summertime. The season goes by so quickly in Minnesota, it’s tempting to pack as much activity in as possible. “Yes, you can,” is heard a lot at our home. I suppose you could call me an enabler.

But I prefer being another kind of enabler—one that says “Yes, you can!” when they feel uncertain about their abilities. One of the greatest challenges they’ll face is their own self-diminishment. Taking thoughts captive and replacing untruth with truth is one of the hardest skills to master. As their dad, I want to help them recognize early the symptoms of stinkin’ thinkin’ (as Zig Ziglar calls it) and encourage them to say to themselves, “Yes. I can.”

These suggestions may help you become that kind of enabler as well:

• Be a detective. It’s likely your kids are harboring self-defeat in some form. Like a detective, look for evidence of stinkin’ thinking. But tread lightly. You don’t want to push the culprit back into hiding.
• Inquire about new experiences. Has your child picked up a new friend recently or started a new activity? The start of any new endeavor is often filled with self-doubt. Ask about their new experiences and listen carefully to their responses.
• Explore abandoned experiences. Has your child recently abandoned a sport, hobby, or other social activity? Not every activity is meant to last forever, but sudden loss of interest may be a clue that your child has hit the internal wall of self-doubt.
• Encourage replacement challenges. Find challenges that stretch and don’t break. If possible join them in it and encourage them along the way.
• Pray for break-through moments. Sometimes it doesn’t take a lot of detective work to discover self-defeating thinking in our kids. Saying, “you shouldn’t think that way” is usually not effective. That’s when it’s best to pray for a break-through moment. These are times when a shared experience becomes a teachable moment. A shared experience affords the opportunity to talk about the experience together and share how you worked through your own self-doubt.

What suggestions have you found helpful for enabling a “Yes, I can” belief in your children?

Firecracker Dad

July 4th is a “dad” kind of holiday.  Fireworks.  Grilling.  Outdoor games (more manly when lawn-jarts were played).  As a dad, I’m all over this weekend.  Love to grill.  Love to get outside and “mix it up”.  But, one thing I never got into was setting off fireworks.  My mom never got into fireworks much.  I’m talking real fireworks.  Not the sparklers or even the little packs of “wildcats” that most everyone used.  I’m talking the M80’s or Silver Salutes.  GuyWorks.  Nope.  Not me.  Consequentially, I never was into it much as a father either.  A friend of mine and his kids light tens/hundreds of fireworks every July 4th holiday.

So, it got me thinking and wanting to see if I could get some feedback to a July 4th survey.

Using tragedy to discuss truth!

Today, the world is mourning the loss of two entertainment icons; Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. Big news! Nearly every channel, radio station, news feed and internet site has carried some aspect of these stories.This was a status update from a friends Facebook this morning, “Dang, can’t get Thriller out of my head this morning. It’s on every channel.” We’ll see television specials on it for the next week at least. Last night alone, two of the major networks ran an hour piece on each of the stars.

It’ll soon be like reliving my teens and early 20’s again —Farah Fawcett posters will probably be reprinted and hanging all over town and we’ll be hearing Michael Jackson’s music all over the radio.

We can’t avoid the attention the deaths of these icons of entertainment bring.  Regardless of how you feel about these individuals, there is no debating their impact on our culture during their lifetime. And, their sudden deaths will be a topic for a long time to come.

How are you handling the discussion of the death of Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett in your families?  The reality of life (and death) produces opportunities to discuss pertinent and biblical truths with our children.  Death is a subject we’d prefer to “leave on the shelf”.  Despite the anti-aging craze our culture is embracing, we will age and, eventually, die.  Death’s reality is unavoidable.  When it happens to those seemingly “bigger than life”, it takes on a certain aura that “if it can happen to them, it can happen to me.”  For those who have lost loved ones, that truth is all to real.

As a dad, I’ve used times like these to approach the “unapproachable” with our children.  I consider it a great opportunity to ask questions about the lives of those in the news.  The lives of Farah and Michael were marked by both the spectacular and the scandalous.  One of the most interesting questions being asked out of their deaths is, “how will they be remembered–for their artistic and professional accomplishments or their personal demons?”  Regardless of how you’d answer that (and there is no right or wrong response), it is an interesting discussion topic.

So, dad, I encourage you to use the upcoming media blitz covering these tragic deaths of well known people to spur conversation with your family.  Here are just a few thoughts to help you begin to stimulate that discussion:

• If your kids are at an appropriate age, discuss the fact that even stars die and that one day so will we.  How will we be remembered?  What legacy do we want to leave?  Do we have the assurance that when our days on this earth are over, we can know where we are heading?
• Use Farah Fawcett’s reluctance to marry to open up a discussion about why co-habitation is not part of God’s plan for a man and a woman…Marriage and commitment are.
• Discuss some of the changes in Michael Jackson’s appearance over the years to discuss how God looks at our hearts, not at our external beauty.  What would drive him to be so consumed with his appearance?
• Talk about how they each used their God-given skills to impact the world.  Yet, they each seemed unhappy in many ways, including the use of drugs, unwilling to commit to relationships, seclusion, surrogate children, hiding in public and living with accusations of child abuse.
• Financial discussions about how you can make $20 million / year and be $400 million in debt?
• Discuss the pain of loss and how that loss is not God’s plan.  Death is separation but, thanks be to God and Jesus Christ that it isn’t  the end for those who are in Christ.

Certainly Michael and Farrah have left an indelible mark on this world.  We will listen to his music for the rest of our lives (maybe more than we want over the next few days and admire and emulate his dancing.  We will admire Farrah’s beauty and recall her roles on TV and in movies, too.  Yet, in the end, the real issue isn’t what they will be remembered for on this earth (what they sang, how they looked or how much money they had or didn’t have).  No, what will matter for them as it will be for us is “how does God see us”.  Remember to share that with your kids!

Father’s Day Fast Forward: Top 10 Ways to Know Dad Loved You

This is the third and final post in the Father’s Day Fast Forward series- things the DadPad authors would like our children to remember about us when they write their Father’s Day memories years from now.  This installment from Leary Gates.

My beloved children, in your early years David Letterman, a comedian, made famous his Top 10 List direct from the Late Night Home Office in Omaha.  Well, here’s your Dad’s Top 10 List direct from the home office in Eagan that you can pull out after I’m long gone.

How to know your Dad loved you (even when it may not have seemed that way):

#10. He prayed for you often. Though he couldn’t be with you always, he prayed that our Father, who could be, would bless you greatly.

#9. He made your mom his best friend. You may have felt second, but hopefully you got a glimpse at how good a great marriage can be.

#8. He pursued what he believed God was telling him. We may not have had the most lavish lifestyle and you’ve had to make lots of sacrifices, but hopefully you’ve learned that God is your very great reward.

#7. He told lame jokes. Yes, you groaned, but hopefully you gained a perspective that we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously.

#6. He grew more in love with God each day.  As a result, he grew more grateful for the miracle that you are.

#5. He yelled – on rare occasions – because he cared.  That’s only half true. He cared, but really he yelled because he wasn’t perfect, and that gave you plenty of opportunity to learn to live with imperfect people.

#4. He worked hard. Some of the hardest work he did was to stay sensitive to your need to hang out together and just chill.

#3. He gave you lots of hugs and kisses. Yes, that should be an obvious sign, but it wasn’t something he learned growing up.

#2. He wanted to be just like you. You have so many gifts and opportunities that he was thrilled to watch you in action and imagine what God would do.

#1. He misses you already and is waiting for you to come home. He’s standing on the sideline cheering you on to finish strong.

Father’s Day Fast Forward: I hope you remember that…

This is the second of three posts in the Father’s Day Fast Forward series- things the DadPad authors would like our children to remember about us when they write their Father’s Day memories years from now.  This installment from Jeff Abramovitz

On the surface, it’s kind of a sobering thought to envision that day whenyou will be eulogized or talked about by others in the past tense. Yet, there will be a day when we will all be a memory to someone. So, Bryan, Erin and Jaclyn, I know one day you’ll share the life and times (both the good and challenging) Abramovitz family with your family and friends.  When the sun sets on my life and I’m ushered into the arms of Christ, in addition to the outrageous, frustrating, and sometimes dramatic memories we shared together, I simply hope you remember that…:

• I prayed for you before you were born and I always knew you weren’t ours but you were on loan from God, kind of like the Blues Brothers (you may have to rent the movie to get it).
• Loving your mom was the most important thing in my life. Though I didn’t model it well all the times, she was my best friend and you were the result of that deep, covenant love. I prayed the same for your marriages each day of my life.
• You weren’t the only ones to be prisoner to my corny “fly fishing” type jokes. Sad story is that I started telling those long before you were born.
• Those times I lost my cool (like the time when the toilet overflowed and you laughed when I dumped the gallons of water in the light fixture all over the kitchen) and asked for your forgiveness…I really meant it.
• When we wrestled on the floor, I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
• I was always so proud of each of you as continued maturing in your faith and relationship with Christ
• The words from friends, family and neighbors about your lives always brought me more joy than I could express.
• All those lectures I tried to mask as “teachable moments” came from my heart, even when I knew all you heard was “blah blah blah”.
• Though we didn’t always have the “stuff”, I was always satisfied with what I had in you.
• My heart literally ached when you left our house. It was right for you to “fly” with your wings to begin the life God gave you, but the imprint of your lives on your mom’s and my heart was indelible.
• God was my delight.
• In my imperfection and often sinful life, God’s grace reached down to cover my sins through the blood of Christ, so I could serve and love you and others out of gratitude and love because He loved me first.
• We had a LOT of fun together and I liked to laugh with you and to make you laugh.
• We also had times of tears and that was OK too.
• Every time I stomped around the house upset because you didn’t pick something up that I stubbed my toe on…I was upset and DID want you to pick it up J.
• When I saw your name come up on my cell phone from a call or text, I always smiled.
• I always loved you unconditionally. Nothing you did ever diminished my love for you. NOTHING.
• I didn’t give up fighting the good fight until my last breath and prayed you would do the same.
• I LOVED YOU and can’t wait for our reunion in heaven.